god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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