im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
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Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
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The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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