Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
The air was thick with penises
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
