this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
