please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
