he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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