i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
