I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
