He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
