If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
