If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Randomize
