I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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