We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
