Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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