Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
