Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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