she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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