I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Randomize
