Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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