Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
