hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
