I am puke
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
