In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
