i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
