The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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