Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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