I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
