If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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