He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I wish you could order shots online.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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