I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
