it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
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