planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
