Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize
