when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm like, not good at living.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
