My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
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