am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
