it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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