A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
You were trust falling into bushes
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