I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
