Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
