My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
