just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
