Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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