It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
