I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
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