I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
