he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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