I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
