are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
