I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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