so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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