yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
