I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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