i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
