Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
