Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
