Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
