He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
