I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
