I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
