Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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