$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
