Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
