I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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