My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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