My underwear smells like fireworks.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
