last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
